18 4 / 2014
zeus….. IS the father
*hera throws chair and has to be restrained by security titans*
That’s it. That’s Greek mythology.
10 12 / 2012
- Look at this sexy Greek.
- He’s going to ruin everything.
- Zeus is gonna fuck someone
- Hera overreacts big time
08 11 / 2012
So, as we are all aware, Zeus was a horny bastard and he happened to be married to the most bitter bitch the world has ever seen. That bitter bitch being Hera of course. Zeus needed someone on his side to help distract Hera while he went around gettin ass, and he found a sidekick in Echo.
03 10 / 2012
A short summary of norse myth
- 1: Loki!
- 2: what
- 2: it wasn't me
18 8 / 2012
The war between the Aesir and the Vanir ended, but Asgard was still missing its surrounding, protective wall because the Vanir decided to be douchebags and raze it during the war. No one was fucking happy about this, because who the hell knew what asshole was going to come strolling up if there wasn’t a wall, but everyone was too fucking lazy to rebuild it themselves. Therefore, for a long ass time the gods all decided to bitch about the lack of the wall but do nothing the fuck about it.
27 7 / 2012
Everyone was asleep in Asgard, which naturally made it a good time for Loki to run around being a dick. This asshole, up at way-too-fucking-late-o’clock decided that the only reasonable thing to do in this situation was to go piss off people he couldn’t handle, because no one ever told him not to pick fights he couldn’t handle. So what does this asshole do? He sneaks into Sif’s room while she’s asleep and cuts her fucking hair off. Why? Because he fucking could. To be a dick, he drops all the hair in a big pile on the floor and traipses the fuck off to go to sleep now that his work is done.
13 7 / 2012
Part I to ~*~refresh yo memorii~*~
So Jason has to fight these fuckers that grew out of some dragon teeth, and Medea’s worried cause although Jason is a total badass, these guys are gonna be really hard to fight. She finds Jason and tells him that if he throws a rock into the group of men, they’ll fight amongst themselves like assholes until they’re all dead. Jason figures she knows what she’s talking about, so the next day when he has to fight, he tosses a rock and they kill each other. The king then tells him that he can get the Golden Fleece if he can get past the….SLEEPLESS DRAGON~*~ Medea helps him out again cause she really wants the D and gives him a potion that will put the dragon to sleep. Jason sprays the dragon and grabs the fleece and is about to be outtie. However, the king is hella pissed cause he didn’t actually think that Jason would be able to get the fleece. As Medea and Jason are trying to get back to the ship, her brother, Apsyrtus, and father, Aeetes, chase after them. Medea traps her brother and Jason kills him and cuts off his fingers and toes and tosses them into the sea like a true dickhead. Aeetes gets distracted and goes to collect said phalanges and Medea and Jason hop back on da Argos.
They set off back home and come across these three little islands. Jason remembers that his centaur nanny, Chiron, told him that he would never survive the sail home if Orpheus didn’t help them. Cause on these islands, there are these bitch whores called Sirens, which you may remember from the Odyssey. Sirens are women…type things, that sing beautiful songs and distract sailors who then crash their ships on the rocks surrounding the islands. As mentioned in Part I, Orpheus can play the lyre like a motherfucker, so Jason is all, BRO, WE NEED YOUR HELP, and Orpheus pulls out his lyre and plays a song that is even more beautiful and louder than the Sirens’ song. I assume that he stuck out his tongue and them while he and the Argofags sailed past.
The Argo finally gets to Crete where there’s this giant bronze man named Talos who protects the island. Talos starts throwing boulders at the ship to keep them away and Jason at this point is pretty fucking tired of people fucking up his shit and isn’t in the mood for any of this bronze guy’s shit. Medea puts a spell on Talos to calm him down and then removes the nail that keeps in all of his blood. Talos then bleeds out into the ocean and the Argos keeps on sailing.
So Jason is home and wants to take the throne, but Pelias is still an ass and won’t let him have it. Again, Jason needs Medea’s help. She goes to Pelias’s daughters and tells them that she can make him young- if they cut him into little pieces and boiling him in a pot of water with some herbs. She does it first to a sheep, and it hops out of the cauldron a lamb. The daughters then commence making Pelias Soup but Medea doesn’t put in the magical herbs and the girls are left with a pot of diced up daddy.
Everyone is pretty pissed and Medea and Jason get exiled to Corinth. Everything is going fine, they have some kids whatever whatever, but then Jason is like, IMMA MARRY THE PRINCESS. So he does. Medea is fucking inconsolable and decides to murder the princess. She gives her sons a cursed dress to give to the princess. When she puts it on, the dress bursts into flames and the princess dies. Medea then kills her sons because she doesn’t want them taking the blame for what she did. When Jason finds out what his crazy ex wife did he runs to her room and then chases her to the roof. Medea then jumps onto a chariot drawn by dragons and flies away into the sky.
Jason returns to rule his kingdom and lives a very lonely and unhappy life. He’s sitting next to the rotting shell of the Argos one day, recounting his boss ass life, and is pretty miserable so he asks Zeus to be a bro and just kill him.
A beam fell on his head and he died.
23 5 / 2012
One day this wonderful girl named Medusa was tending to Athena’s temple. Medusa was a virgin and also really hot. As virgins tend to be in these types of stories. Anyway. Zeus was chillin on Mt. Olympus and he looked down and saw Medusa doing whatever temple workers did and said to himself, “I WANT TO FUCK THAT” and so he did. Mind you, Athena was a virgin goddess and sort of an asshole, so when she learned that Zeus had just raped a girl in her temple of all fucking places, she got a more than a little pissed……at Medusa. Athena was totally one of the bros and didn’t blame Zeus at all for what he did. After all, it wasn’t his fault Medusa was a hottie. Athena promptly turned Medusa into a Gorgon, and she grew awful scaly skin and snakes out of her head and fangs and the whole nine yards. As we all know, Medusa’s gaze turned living creatures to stone. Medusa went down to the underworld to sulk around for a while and be generally miserable whilst turning people to stone.
Moral of the story: Don’t be hot.
*Medusa’s gonna show up in at least one other story, so remember this one or whatever.
27 4 / 2012
So this douchebag named Pelias is dicking around in Greece after he sent his brother and his wife into exile to live on an island with some centaurs. His brother has a baby named Jason. Jason is the rightful heir to the throne but Pelias sucks so he claimed it instead. Jason eventually gets off this centaur laden island and goes to the kingdom he should be ruling. He goes up to his uncle and is like, “MY DUDE. THIS IS MY SHIT. I WANT IT”. and Pelias is like, “……fuck this shit. YOU CAN HAVE THE THRONE IF YOU BRING ME BACK THE ~*~GOLDEN FLEECE.~*~” Jason, being the badass that he is, is all “ARD BRO BRB” and gets this ship called the Argos and a bunch of other guys to go find the fleece. These guys being Hercules, Pollox, Orpheus etc. Obviously there was a lot of sexual tension because Hercules was hot as shit and Orpheus could make you orgasm to death when he played his lute so I mean…draw your own conclusions here.
Anyway, these guys are sailing around on their Ship O’ Gay and they come across an island where there are a bunch of women sitting around doing lady things or whatever. These women reek so fucking bad that their husbands left them. They’re pretty damn grumpy because a) they smell and b) they haven’t gotten any in a while so they usually just kill whoever finds the island. Apparently they weren’t PMSing that day though because they give the boys a bunch of food and drinks and gifts…;). The Argodicks leave and eventually land on another island. This island has an old ass man on it. If you know anything about mythology, you know that old person=oracle, so don’t fuck with them. Jason clearly got this lesson from his centaur nanny and decides to give the old guy food. In exchange for his help, the old man does some prophosizing or whatever and tells Jason what’s good. Zeus gets really butthurt because he doesn’t like when people know what’s gonna happen to them, so he sends down these bitches called Harpies who are fucking bird women or some shit. The Harpies seriously suck and they fly around ruining your food and fucking up all your shit. They go to attack the oracle and Jason is like, “Um…fucking no?” so he tears their shit up and the oracle is hella thankful and tells the Argodicks how to get through these things called the clashing rocks, which, shockingly enough, are giant rocks that clash together. He explains that in order to see if the rocks are gonna crush them to death they should send a dove through first. Obviously PETA hadn’t gotten to this island yet. The guys leave and get to the clashing rocks and send the dove through. The dove is pretty much alright but its tail feathers get caught by the rocks. Jason apparently think that it’s acceptable to send through the Argos, but personally I would have punched him in the face until he changed his mind. Anyway. The Argos goes on through and omg shocker, the tail gets cut the fuck off. It’s alright though so they keep on trucking.
They get to the kingdom where the fleece is stored- fucking finally- and go meet up with the king. The king has this daughter named Medea. Medea is a fucking awesome sorceress. This bitch Hera, who is a goddess and also Zeus’s wife, decides that she really like Jason and she wants him to be safe, so she goes to this whore named Aphrodite who is also a goddess and is like, “I know we aren’t cool or anything but I don’t want mii bby getting hurt so can you help me out here?” Aphrodite says yes so she goes to talk to her son Cupid. She gives him a ball that he really digs and he agrees to shoot Medea with his ~*~love arrows~*~ so she’ll fall in love with Jason and help him out.
The king talks to Jason and finds out he wants the fleece. The king doesn’t really want to give it up and tells him that in order to get it, he has to yoke two bulls with hooves made of fucking bronze and breath fucking fire. After he gets them yoked Jason has to plant some dragon teeth that the king just happens to have lying around. These teeth are gonna bloom into a dick load of armed men that Jason has to kill. Jason agrees.